Okay, these are not technically “Jack Handy” quotes, but they are certainly in the spirit of Jack Handy….
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. (Oy, can I ever attest to that one.)
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
There is great need for a sarcasm font.
How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
Was learning cursive really necessary?
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. (Don’t say it, Wizard…)
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories. (I can attest to that one, too.)
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever. (I will, however, hang it somewhere to air out.)
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dang it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.