Jack Handy Quotes

Okay, these are not technically “Jack Handy” quotes, but they are certainly in the spirit of Jack Handy….

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. (Oy, can I ever attest to that one.)

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5.  Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.  (Don’t say it, Wizard…)

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.  (I can attest to that one, too.)

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray?   I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this --  ever.  (I will, however, hang it somewhere to air out.)

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dang it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

A new guest room

For the first time in my life I have a guest room.  When you have a big family, you don't have a guest room.  If you have guests coming, you do a quick glance in each of the kids' rooms, figure out which is the cleanest, move THAT kid into the a sibling's room for the duration, and give the cleanest room to the guest.  Or if that's not practical you give the guests the family room or the front room, whichever has the most comfortable couch for sleeping and hope they do okay there.

But since we had a room that was only collecting stuff when we didn't know where to put it, I wanted to create a guest room.  Carebear and I (with the help of Melissa, watching the babies) cleared out the garage (so we could sand and paint furniture, which is now a nice warm milk chocolate color), cleared out the landing so we could clear out and sort the contents of the room, boxed up all of the contents that belonged to others (to be stored until they can be collected by their owners), peeled all the stickers off the bed frames (hundreds!), sanded and painted two under-the-bed dressers and a bookcase, prepped and painted walls (three of them are light brown and one is mossy green), vacuumed the ceiling and the carpeting, and re-assembled all the furniture and made up the beds with new linens, comforters, and plenty of pillows.  We also put down a small green area rug.

When we were at the store selecting the colors, the woman doing the mixing warned us that the room would be pretty dark.  She's right, it is on the dark side, but it's not a depressing dark, it's a restful dark.  It's like being in the forrest kind of dark.  But the ceiling and ceiling fan are white, and when the drapes (about the same color as the moss green wall) are open, there is plenty of light in the daytime.  There's also a little black gooseneck lamp on the bookcase, which is located between the two twin beds (which used to be bunk beds, but are now separated with an under-bed dresser beneath each.)  That way if guests want to read in bed, they can do so in comfort and they don't have to try to stumble back to bed after turning off the overhead light in a strange room.  There's also a clock radio on the bookcase and a wooden bowl full of toiletries that guests may need, like new toothbrushes, toothpastes, sample sized deodorants, and that kind of thing. Plus there are a few books and magazines in the shelf below.  

The closet has been cleaned out as well, and the shelves contain all of the games that we own, which are a lot more accessible now that they're on shelves instead of packed into a chest where you forget they're there.  The chest has been moved to the guest room too, and is filled with extra blankets in case they're needed.  It's located at the foot of one of the twin beds and doubles as a handy place to put a suitcase in case guests don't want to unpack into the drawers. At the foot of the other bed is a small lidded basket that holds towels and washcloths.  There's plenty of hanging space and hangers in the closet.  

I just feel like now when people come to visit they have a space of their own where they can rest up from whatever running around they have done and a place where they can close the door and have some privacy, which is so much more comfortable than crashing on the futon in the front room.  

The Wizard and I figure we'll probably be in this house for about another ten years.  Might as well make it as comfy as possible for ourselves and whomever is here with us.  

 

Profound short paragraph

This is probably the best paragraph you'll ever read. This is one paragraph that should be in every book in every school room in every city in every state in our great Union .. Our educators should make a lesson plan on this one statement and beat these words into every head in every class in every state in these United States of America.

You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is the beginning of the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."*

* Adrian Rogers, 1931-2005

Concentrate on this sentence

A very good friend of mine sent me this today.  I know I’ve seen things like it before, maybe not word for word but the overall message was one I’d seen before.  But today this is really comforting.  Most of you know my precious mother-in-law, Midge, died on Saturday.  I’m happy for her because she’s in a better place where she can walk again, talk like she used to, use her hands the way she always has, and she can see the people who have gone before her, I know she has missed them. 

 

For the past several years her health has declined and her body has nearly shut down.  And recently it became a problem for her to understand others.  She was no longer the same woman, physically, as she was for the previous 30 years I have known her, but her sweetness and her love was still apparent.  I have to admit that I am sad, and feeling sorry for myself.  I was not ready for a world that didn’t include Midge.  At the same time, I know there was a heck of a reunion Saturday evening.   When I received the following paragraphs via email today, I thought it was particularly appropriate:

 

To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.  When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.  Concentrate on this sentence... 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'   Something good will happen to you today; something that you have been waiting to hear.  

 

There comes a point in your life when you realize:  

Who matters,

Who never did,

Who won't anymore...

And who always will.

So, don't worry about people from your past,

there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

 

 

Back "Home" again...

So tomorrow I am going to my happy place.  :)  And best of all, I am going with my honey, The Wizard.  We aren't staying on Disney property because rates in the summertime are much higher, so we're staying off property in a cheapie little motel and getting a rental car.  Although I like to stay on property best, it's nice to do this once in a while because having a car means being able to go to the grocery store and not having to pack all the snacks in my suitcase, plus we can go to church on Sunday and also nose around to see what housing prices are like there.  My goal is to have a small second home in FL, and visit often.  (Some would say I already visit often, but everything is relative.)  Anyway, I'll be back in town next Tuesday and returning to work on Wednesday.

Speaking of work, things are going well.  I have the best job ever, but unfortunately I have been shifted to a new and different location and I have some adjusting to do.  I have a LOT less room there, so I've had to take some of those personal touches home, or move them to my alternate desk.  (I have two jobs at the training center.)  I'm sure I'll survive.  In the meantime, working for an airline is the BEST, and makes trips like tomorrow's possible.  

 

I'll try to remember to post a "trip report" when I get back.  I'm sure you're all dying to hear about it.  Love you!

 

Susie/Mom

The Darwin Awards

You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado here are the 2008  Darwin Awards.

Eighth Place:  In  Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place:  A 49-year-old  San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place: While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it t collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place:  Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place: Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place:  After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up! and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION: Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP:  Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS...

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (  Paderborn ,  Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.  Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.  The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.  It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'S### happens'

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL

Okay, I'm in...

The first three people to leave a comment on this post will receive something made by me. However, there are some limitations:

1. I make no guarantee that you will like what I make.
2. What I create will be just for you.
3. It will be done this year.
4. You have no clue what it is going to be - cards, bows, a bag, frame or a little invention of my own. I may bake something and mail it to you .Who knows? Not you that’s for sure!
5. I reserve the right to do something extremely strange. It may blow your mind!

Here’s the catch, if you choose to do this. You must post this on your blog and be ready to make something for three people too. This will be fun! When you receive the fabulous item I make you, you must post a picture of it on your blog. Now time to comment and start thinking about what you will be making for someone else! 

Ta DA!

This has certainly not been a good month or six weeks to be Susie. I had no idea when I got my wisdom teeth removed that it would be a 2-month ordeal till it was over. I will be on this antibiotic for another 2 or 3 weeks, and it seems to be sapping a lot of my energy. Or maybe it's the infection itself. I don't know. Plus the pain makes me tense up and then I end up with a migraine. It's getting better, but it's not been a picnic that's for sure. I have continued going to work and most of church (though to be completely honest, I have not been able to sit through the whole three hours yet), but I ended up missing David's and Sarah's reception in Michigan, which I felt terrible about. The surgeon felt bad about that too but he said with how severe the infection was he could not wait even through the weekend. He didn't realize I would be in too much pain to travel, but that's just how it worked out. I was popping percocet about every 2 hours. (I'm allowed one or two every 4-6 hours, so the way I see it that's the same as one every 2 hours if the pain is bad enough.  Hopefully that's not cheating too much.)  And I'm not supposed to take aleve or ibuprofen but I was so desperate that I did it anyway. (Percocet already has tylenol in it.) Anyway, the thought of going up and down in a plane was enough to make me almost cry in anticipation of the pressure changes, so I decided to stay home. Of course there's no way to tell at this point whether I would have been okay with it, but when something tells you to avoid something, it's best to heed the warning. It's when we ignore warnings that we are slapped in the face and we say, "Man I wish I would have listened to that prompting…"

When I went in for my first checkup after the oral surgeon re-opened me and scraped the infected bone away, he made it very clear that it had been an emergency that couldn't wait. In fact, I've been back for a few more checkups just to make sure the antibiotic is battling the bacteria sufficiently, and each time I go in another one of his hygenists tells me that they had to come in and watch part of the procedure because they didn't see this kind of thing very often. Woo hoo, I'm a celebrity.

Other than that, life is good.  I am toying with the idea of visiting Carebear and her family, and the newlyweds, for the holiday weekend coming up. 

Fun things to fill out

6 names you go by: (this is not easy!)
  1. Susie
  2. Mom
  3. Grandma
  4. Suse
  5. Susan (when I’m in trouble)
  6. Mommy (in the past)

3 things you are wearing right now 
  1.  Crocs with Mickey charms
  2.  Earrings
  3.  Blue sweater

3 Things you want very badly at the moment:
 1.  Dry socket (wisdom tooth removal) to stop hurting and be all healed
 2.  Whole house clean and tidy
 3.  More money.  J

3 people who will fill this out: 
 1. Carolyn
 2. Audrey
 3. Bridget?

2 things you did last night:
 1.  Watched current episode of All My children
 2.  At a tostada from taco bell with Gary

2 things you ate today:
 1. Banana
 2. Cheese

2 people you last talked to on the phone:
  1. Carolyn
  2. Gary

2 things you are going to do tomorrow: 
 1. Catch up at work
 2. Watch American Idol

3 favorite drinks:
  1. Pero
  2. Water (filtered)
  3. Crystal Lite
 

Hopefully this too will pass...

Today I got the happy news that I have "dry socket."  I don't even like the sound of that.  They have treated it by putting in a little piece of gauze soaked in something that smells and tastes like cloves.  I'm getting sick of the taste and smell.  Tomorrow morning I go back in and they'll re-pack it.  :::sigh:::

Anyway, no work for me tomorrow.  The amount of narcotics I'm taking for the pain precludes driving.  Or doing anything productive, really.  

I also have four staples in my head, to be removed next week.  I had a mole removed about a month ago and it came back as a basal cell, so it had to be removed better.  And Chaelomen of course had to inspect the staple job.  My new nickname is the "Bride of Frankenstein."

 

 

I'm losing my wisdom...

Let me start by saying that every time I visit the dentist he gives me a hard time about my unpulled wisdom teeth.  (The two on the bottom.)  Since they really haven't caused any problems I have cheerfully ignored him while reminding him that he could not badger me about it with much credibility since he also still has two of his.  However, the last time I went he said that there is enough bone loss around my wisdom teeth that food is going to start creeping back behind the gums so that it will not be possible for me to clean them. He said the result would be an abscess that would cause the loss of several other molars in addition to the wisdom teeth, and it'd be an emergency situation then, and a horrible, painful experience. So now I am left with the lesser of the two evils, getting my wisdom teeth out.

When I went to the oral surgeon, the office did one of those panoramic (and really, REALLY flattering… Makes your head look like a medicine ball) xrays and said that the roots are solidly fused to the jaw bone and that they are very close to the nerves. He is hoping to extract them without damaging the nerves (which would result in possible numbness and paralysis of the facial muscles which could be permanent) but if he gets in there and it doesn't look possible he'll just saw off the tooth a little lower than the gum line and let the gums grow over what's left of the tooth. That also sounds horrible. Thank goodness I will be unconscious throughout this. I have a vision of a hacksaw in my mouth, and I'm hoping he doesn't end up sawing my mouth open like a pez dispenser. I'll end up looking like the Jack Nicholson version of the Joker. I'll be off work until I can function without pain medication. 

Oh, and what is it about hearing that someone has upcoming oral surgery that invites others to share their own oral surgery horror stories?  I would rather hear them after I'm healed up, thank you very much. 

I think I'm getting too old for this kind of thing...

I'm not working as quickly as I usually do today, I did a major stupidity yesterday. About a half hour before I was due to go home (and I was the only one in the office) an employee came in chatting on his cell phone with my boss. The employee had left his badge in the security office and he was pretty desperate to get it back but everyone had gone home for the day. My boss asked me to try to get in there and retrieve it for him if I could.

I got into the outer office okay, but inside there were several cubicles (two with locking doors) for the security folks. The cubicle walls are about 7 feet high is all, not nearly all the way to the ceiling. I stepped onto a chair and my head was over the top and I could see the badge clearly. So I scooted a table over, but that still wasn't enough to get over the wall, so I scooted over a wheeled contraption that the security folks use for their coat rack, which has a shelf at the top. The guy who lost his badge held this steady while I climbed onto it. Then I swung my leg over, and he's thinking to himself, "Wow, she's pretty good," after which he heard a big WHUMP as I fell to the ground on the other side. Ouch.

But not to worry, I was able to slow my descent by sliding my face against the inner wall of the cubicle, which was thoughtfully lined with some sort of sandpaper-textured burlap. Since I'd had the air knocked out of me (landed on my chest) I wasn't able to get up for a few moments as he desperately cried, "Are you okay?" while he's thinking, "I can't get in there to see if she's alive, the door is still locked!" Anyway, I finally pushed myself into a sitting position and unlocked the door, then I struggled to my feet, went over to the desk, picked up his badge and handed it to him. Then I sat down for a few moments to get my breath back, while he's anxiously asking, "Do you want me to get you a cold cloth?" By this time I was feeling much better, so I said no and we put back all the furniture. He mumbled something about hoping there were no security cameras that caught it. Amen to that.

Anyway, when I got home I looked at where my arm was hurting and there is a lovely bruise there so I wore long sleeves today. I also looked at my knees and they're a beautiful shade of blue and purple as well. Plus I've got another big bruise on my left calf. And when I took off my makeup last night I noticed I have a bruise across the bridge of my nose as well. :::sigh:::  And this morning when I woke up I was incredibly sore. 

I'm obviously not as athletic as I am in my imagination, because that turned out so much better in my head than it did in reality.  But I have to say that for a security office, it wasn't that hard to get in and I take a sort of perverse satisfaction in that. 

What Susie needs...

Enter your name followed by "needs" (with quotes around both of them together) in Google and list the first 10 responses that make sense.  These are my top 10, number 5 is my favorite:

1. Auntie Susie needs YOU!
2. Susie needs to be punished to the fullest extent of the law.
3. Susie needs your help.
4. Sweet Susie needs a home.
5. Susie needs to be my wife so that I can begin the biological process of procreation with a female humanoid.
6. Mustang Susie needs your votes.
7. Susie needs to get some guts and self esteem.
8. Susie Needs our Purrs/Woofs/Purrayers.
9. Susie needs sleep.
10. Susie needs a husband, not a sex-toy stimulation.

 

FW: Debate

This is literally a "church signs" debate, being played out in a Southern town, between Our Lady of Martyrs Catholic and Cumberland Presbyterian, a fundamentalist church. From top to bottom shows you the response and counter-response over time.

Word game

Rules: erase my answers, enter yours,  and tag 10 people.   Use the 1st letter of  your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real places, names, and things.  You can't use your name  for the boy/girl name question.

 

1. What is your name: Susie

2. 4 letter word: Sing

3. A Boy’s Name:  Sam

4. A Girl’s Name:  Sarah

5. An Occupation: Sysop

6. A Color: Scarlett

7. Something you wear:  Sandals

8. A Beverage:  Soda

9. A Food: Strawberries

10. Something found in the bathroom: Shampoo

11. A place: Supermarket

12. A Reason for being late:  Sleeping in

13. Something you shout: Stop it!

A good questionaire...

I think my kids (especially Chaelomen) are grateful that I have found out how to post these in my blog instead of always pestering them.  But this one was good and actually had more questions that I had to think about a bit and that, when I read others’ responses (I hope), will enable me to know them a bit better.

 

Make a list of things you can see without getting up: African violets, pictures of my grandchildren, Mickey mouse, candy dish.

What were you like when you were five? Insecure.  I was much younger than the other kids in my class and I felt like the dummy.
What are you wearing now?   Tan pants, brown crocks with mickeys, red shirt, gold and red earrings, Elmo socks.  
What story/book/novel have you read over and over again in your life? The Ghost of Opalina
What’s the last thing you read/are currently reading?  “The interruption of everything.”
Do you nap a lot? No, but I wish I did.  I am perpetually sleep deprived.
Who was the last person you hugged? Bridgelet.
What’s your current fandom/obsession/addiction? I prefer to think of it as a “lifestyle,” but I guess I would have to say All Things Disney.
What was the last thing you ate today?  Does gum count?
What websites do you always visit when you go online? My kids blogs and my email.
What was the last thing you bought? An eyeshadow.  I already have the color, but I wanted one in my travel set and it was going for cheap on ebay.
What are you listening to right now? The song of the year, “Viva la Vida.”
What movie are (or were!) you most excited to show your kids? The Sound of Music, My Fair Lady, and all Disney films.
If you could have any super power, what would it be? Flying or invisibility.  Or immortality.  J
What is your favorite weather? Warm, not hot.  Between 65 and 85 degrees with a nice breeze.  (Warm breeze if it’s cooler outside, cool breeze if it’s warmer.)  In short, the temperature at WDW between the months of late September and early May.
What time do you usually get up? Used to be 5:30 to get breakfast for Bridgelet before Seminiary.  Then I started cooking it after seminary, so I could sleep till 6.  Makes it easier to get a little more sleep but it makes me a touch late to work.  I probably need to go back to the 5:30 wake up call.
What is your most challenging goal right now?  Getting good nutrition.
If you could have a house–totally paid for, fully furnished–anywhere in the world, where would you want it to be? In Florida, a nice condo with the HOA fees paid through the next few decades.  Something nice and close to WDW.  Three bedrooms, one for Gary and me, one for a good guest room, and one for a computer room/study, but with room for a futon for more guests in case people want to visit me and go to WDW.
Favorite vacation spot? WDW.
What is your favorite children’s book? I like an obscure book called “The Ghost of Opalina.”  I read it in the 8^th grade, and loved it so much I’ve read it probably 10 times since.  For little kid books, I’ve always loved “Go Dog Go.”  Especially the page where they’re having a party on top of the tree.
Name one thing you just can’t resist no matter how bad it is for you: Milk chocolate, something nice and expensive. 
If you could meet anyone famous – Walt Disney.  J  (Shocker, huh?)

 

one word answers

TYPE ONLY 1 WORD. IT'S HARDER THAN YOU THINK!!!

1. Where is your cell phone?  pocket

 2. Your significant other? adorable

3. Your hair? thick
4. Your mother?  Oofda
5. Your father?  Eatitit’llputhaironyourchest

6. Your favorite thing? Disney

7. Your dream last night?  absent
8. Your favorite drink? water

9. Your dream/goal?  joy
10. The room you're in?  office

11. Your fear? violence
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years?  Disneyworld

13. Where were you last night?  Home

14. What you're not? confident

15. Muffins?  oatmeal

16. One of your wish list items?  Money
17. Where you grew up? Caliente

18. The last thing you did?  ate

19. What are you wearing? ring
20. Your TV? communal
21.  Time is? hurrying

22. Your computer?  slow

23. Your life? fun

24. Your mood? wistful

25. Missing someone?  grandkids

26. Your car?  cruiser

 27. Something you're not wearing? necklace

28. Missing?  sleep

 29. Your summer?  short

30. Your favorite color? green

31. When is the last time you laughed? today
32. Last time you cried?  yesterday

33. Who will/would re-post this? Bridgie

34. Four people who e-mail me:  CarolynAudreyBridgetBethie (ONE WORD???)

35. Three of my favorite foods:  corn, berries, crab, chocolate (again, ONE WORD???)
36. Four places I would rather be right now?  Epcot, Magic Kingdom, Disney Studios, Animal Kingdom (I give up on the “one word” thing)

I deleted 37, it’s one of those “who do you think will respond” questions which I hate.
Here's what you're supposed to do......hit forward, delete my answers, type in your answers and send it to a bunch of people - including me