1. Why are there two kinds of screwdrivers? I believe they only exist to frustrate women. No matter which kind of screwdriver I need, I find the OTHER one first. And if one is obviously superior to the other, why aren’t all screws made with that type of head and the other done away with? I think the world was just fine with a regular screwdriver and some dude named Phillip came along and said “I want a tool named after me.” So he created a screwdriver, got all his buddies to agree to use it, and now we have about half the screws in the world with little “x’s” on them so when we’re looking for a screwdriver we need to know if it’s a regular one or if it’s phillip’s screwdriver.
2. Tool boxes are too complicated. Really, Handy Manny has the right idea for the most part. Have you looked inside a tool box lately? (Especially a man’s toolbox.) There’s undefinable garbage in there. I can accomplish most of what I need to do with just a few items, the most valuable of which is a hammer. And if I can’t find a hammer, a lot of other things will do in a pinch. (Gary once had a pair of shoes that was heavy enough to use as a hammer. Sorry about those chips in the soles, honey.) And as every woman knows, a butter knife will do as a screwdriver in all but the most precise screwdriver cases.
3. Tools do not automatically become the property of the man. I should not have to resort to buying purple flowered tools in order to guarantee they stay in my toolbox. However, I happen to like purple flowered tools.
4. Tools do not automatically become more valuable because they are filthy. It’s is acceptable to have a clean tool. Especially if you are borrowing mine.
5. Go ahead and mock my tools. I realize that I am the only one in the household that thinks it’s neato-torpedo that you can unscrew the head off my purple-flowered hammer to find seven screwdrivers inside. But then don’t resent my knowing smirk when I see you using it.
6. If you are borrowing something from MY toolbox (which should be fairly obvious because you found it IN my toolbox or you noticed that it is either a feminine color or it is a size you enjoy mocking) you should return it to my toolbox. It does not belong in the garage.
7. When a certain husband leaves a favorite hose nozzle out all winter so that it doesn’t work (cuz something plastic in it got frozen and cracked so that the water just pours over my hand instead of shooting out over all of the cool different settings, a sledge hammer is the perfect item to take out your frustration with it. But be careful, because it will scare the dog.