Jack Handy Quotes

Okay, these are not technically “Jack Handy” quotes, but they are certainly in the spirit of Jack Handy….

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. (Oy, can I ever attest to that one.)

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5.  Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.  (Don’t say it, Wizard…)

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.  (I can attest to that one, too.)

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray?   I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this --  ever.  (I will, however, hang it somewhere to air out.)

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dang it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

A new guest room

For the first time in my life I have a guest room.  When you have a big family, you don't have a guest room.  If you have guests coming, you do a quick glance in each of the kids' rooms, figure out which is the cleanest, move THAT kid into the a sibling's room for the duration, and give the cleanest room to the guest.  Or if that's not practical you give the guests the family room or the front room, whichever has the most comfortable couch for sleeping and hope they do okay there.

But since we had a room that was only collecting stuff when we didn't know where to put it, I wanted to create a guest room.  Carebear and I (with the help of Melissa, watching the babies) cleared out the garage (so we could sand and paint furniture, which is now a nice warm milk chocolate color), cleared out the landing so we could clear out and sort the contents of the room, boxed up all of the contents that belonged to others (to be stored until they can be collected by their owners), peeled all the stickers off the bed frames (hundreds!), sanded and painted two under-the-bed dressers and a bookcase, prepped and painted walls (three of them are light brown and one is mossy green), vacuumed the ceiling and the carpeting, and re-assembled all the furniture and made up the beds with new linens, comforters, and plenty of pillows.  We also put down a small green area rug.

When we were at the store selecting the colors, the woman doing the mixing warned us that the room would be pretty dark.  She's right, it is on the dark side, but it's not a depressing dark, it's a restful dark.  It's like being in the forrest kind of dark.  But the ceiling and ceiling fan are white, and when the drapes (about the same color as the moss green wall) are open, there is plenty of light in the daytime.  There's also a little black gooseneck lamp on the bookcase, which is located between the two twin beds (which used to be bunk beds, but are now separated with an under-bed dresser beneath each.)  That way if guests want to read in bed, they can do so in comfort and they don't have to try to stumble back to bed after turning off the overhead light in a strange room.  There's also a clock radio on the bookcase and a wooden bowl full of toiletries that guests may need, like new toothbrushes, toothpastes, sample sized deodorants, and that kind of thing. Plus there are a few books and magazines in the shelf below.  

The closet has been cleaned out as well, and the shelves contain all of the games that we own, which are a lot more accessible now that they're on shelves instead of packed into a chest where you forget they're there.  The chest has been moved to the guest room too, and is filled with extra blankets in case they're needed.  It's located at the foot of one of the twin beds and doubles as a handy place to put a suitcase in case guests don't want to unpack into the drawers. At the foot of the other bed is a small lidded basket that holds towels and washcloths.  There's plenty of hanging space and hangers in the closet.  

I just feel like now when people come to visit they have a space of their own where they can rest up from whatever running around they have done and a place where they can close the door and have some privacy, which is so much more comfortable than crashing on the futon in the front room.  

The Wizard and I figure we'll probably be in this house for about another ten years.  Might as well make it as comfy as possible for ourselves and whomever is here with us.  

 

Profound short paragraph

This is probably the best paragraph you'll ever read. This is one paragraph that should be in every book in every school room in every city in every state in our great Union .. Our educators should make a lesson plan on this one statement and beat these words into every head in every class in every state in these United States of America.

You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is the beginning of the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."*

* Adrian Rogers, 1931-2005

Concentrate on this sentence

A very good friend of mine sent me this today.  I know I’ve seen things like it before, maybe not word for word but the overall message was one I’d seen before.  But today this is really comforting.  Most of you know my precious mother-in-law, Midge, died on Saturday.  I’m happy for her because she’s in a better place where she can walk again, talk like she used to, use her hands the way she always has, and she can see the people who have gone before her, I know she has missed them. 

 

For the past several years her health has declined and her body has nearly shut down.  And recently it became a problem for her to understand others.  She was no longer the same woman, physically, as she was for the previous 30 years I have known her, but her sweetness and her love was still apparent.  I have to admit that I am sad, and feeling sorry for myself.  I was not ready for a world that didn’t include Midge.  At the same time, I know there was a heck of a reunion Saturday evening.   When I received the following paragraphs via email today, I thought it was particularly appropriate:

 

To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.  When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.  Concentrate on this sentence... 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'   Something good will happen to you today; something that you have been waiting to hear.  

 

There comes a point in your life when you realize:  

Who matters,

Who never did,

Who won't anymore...

And who always will.

So, don't worry about people from your past,

there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

 

 

Back "Home" again...

So tomorrow I am going to my happy place.  :)  And best of all, I am going with my honey, The Wizard.  We aren't staying on Disney property because rates in the summertime are much higher, so we're staying off property in a cheapie little motel and getting a rental car.  Although I like to stay on property best, it's nice to do this once in a while because having a car means being able to go to the grocery store and not having to pack all the snacks in my suitcase, plus we can go to church on Sunday and also nose around to see what housing prices are like there.  My goal is to have a small second home in FL, and visit often.  (Some would say I already visit often, but everything is relative.)  Anyway, I'll be back in town next Tuesday and returning to work on Wednesday.

Speaking of work, things are going well.  I have the best job ever, but unfortunately I have been shifted to a new and different location and I have some adjusting to do.  I have a LOT less room there, so I've had to take some of those personal touches home, or move them to my alternate desk.  (I have two jobs at the training center.)  I'm sure I'll survive.  In the meantime, working for an airline is the BEST, and makes trips like tomorrow's possible.  

 

I'll try to remember to post a "trip report" when I get back.  I'm sure you're all dying to hear about it.  Love you!

 

Susie/Mom

The Darwin Awards

You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado here are the 2008  Darwin Awards.

Eighth Place:  In  Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place:  A 49-year-old  San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place: While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it t collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place:  Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place: Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place:  After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up! and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION: Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP:  Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS...

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (  Paderborn ,  Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.  Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.  The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.  It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'S### happens'

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL

Okay, I'm in...

The first three people to leave a comment on this post will receive something made by me. However, there are some limitations:

1. I make no guarantee that you will like what I make.
2. What I create will be just for you.
3. It will be done this year.
4. You have no clue what it is going to be - cards, bows, a bag, frame or a little invention of my own. I may bake something and mail it to you .Who knows? Not you that’s for sure!
5. I reserve the right to do something extremely strange. It may blow your mind!

Here’s the catch, if you choose to do this. You must post this on your blog and be ready to make something for three people too. This will be fun! When you receive the fabulous item I make you, you must post a picture of it on your blog. Now time to comment and start thinking about what you will be making for someone else! 

Ta DA!